Friday, January 11, 2008

i dont know what to do now. i hate this cca. i hate it so much. but yet, i love rvtt. haha. so damn ironic. rvtt is the only place now where people actually tolerate me, where i can be me, & dont have to care about everything.
daily life is making me feel as if i have split personality. non-cc days,this is zhijun one. i wouldnt say quiet, but if you really know me at rvtt, you would be wondering if this was the same person. i dont want to do this either. you have no idea how tired i am, acting good & guai. all i want to do is to survive. even though i hated this way of survival, i didnt really have a choice. 4C & 3C is not exactly 2D, nor is it rvtt.
for cca days, i dont really care anymore. after all the trouble i get in, i dont want to care how others thought of me. i can be as crazy as i want, showing everything out & not caring what others saw. i can shout & scream & throw tantrums, & everyone will feel that it is normal. if i dont talk for one whole day, people will think that i am either acting emo or trying to ap everyone. but thats me, i cant keep my mouth shut, & i dont see the need in keeping it shut when i am myself. sure, you might say i am hyprocrital. i feel that i am too. i wanna strangle the other zhijun one in me & be myself. just like in rvtt. but in 3C & 4C, they dont accept that. for any case, i would rather be in 4H or 4L or even 4I. i dont want to be in a place where i must survive in such a cowardly way. but i really dont have a choice & everything will end. after this year. just one more year.
so perhaps everyone at rvtt feels that nowsaday zhijun is getting more & more crazy. its just because i am feeling more & more stressed. especially with rvtt getting more & more complicated, i find that the only place to be me is starting to vanish. & that is completely unacceptable.

completely unacceptable.

Breaking the Habit!